The King's Speech: The Abridged Script
by somedayangeline
Summary: Because parody is the highest form of flattery. Or something.


THE KING'S SPEECH: AN ABRIDGED SCRIPT

Ext. England in the 1920s

COLIN FIRTH, a.k.a. PRINCE ALBERT, a.k.a. the DUKE OF YORK, a.k.a. BERTIE to INTIMATES attempts to give a SPEECH but tanks it because of his STAMMER. This is PAINFUL, but also the first of many GREAT METAPHORS.

Ext. A palace room a few years later

DR. QUACK: "After you finish puffing away on this SMOKE, put these MARBLES in YOUR MOUTH and use your WILLPOWER to speak properly."

HELENA BONHAM CARTER: "What a moron. I think I'll consult UNORTHODOX SPEECH THERAPIST GEOFFREY RUSH."

Ext. GEOFFREY RUSH'S office

HBC: "My husband's job requires a LOT of PUBLIC SPEAKING, and he needs help."

GR: "Maybe he should change jobs….No, I'm kidding. It's not like using a pseudonym is fooling me. I may be a COMMONER, but I'm not an idiot. "

HBC: "How dare you speak to the future QUEEN MOTHER like that?"

GR: "Oh, I'm just getting started."

Ext. The office of non-repression

COLIN sits in front of the WEIRD, MULTICOLORED WALL which is DOUBTLESS SYMBOLIC.

GR: "Hi, COLIN. What brings you here today?"

CF has APOPLEXY at GEOFFREY'S PRESUMPTION, which will happen A LOT as part of the THERAPEUTIC PROCESS.

GR: "Something wrong?"

CF: "You can't…call me that. I'm ROYALTY."

GF: "If you want an IDIOT SYNCOPHANT, go see someone else. Oh wait, you already did."

CF: "You're peculiar."

GR: "No, I'm a TYPICAL MOVIE SHRINK. Now put on these headphones and read _Hamlet_, while I TAPE you."

CF: "OK….. no, wait, this is bogus…..I'm out of here. Screw this, you FAILED AUSSIE ACTOR."

GR: "Don't forget your RECORDING."

Ext. The palace of repression

MICHAEL GAMBON: "Your PLAYBOY BROTHER is out PARTYING with a TWICE DIVORCED AMERICAN WOMAN. With whom he might be HAVING SEX!"

CF: "And this affects me how?"

MG: "You'll have to GET OVER YOUR STAMMER and START MAKING LOTS of SPEECHES on the WIRELESS."

CF: "I don't…."

MG: "Let's take a whack at it now. No time like the present!"

CF: "I…."

MG: "Honestly, what is SUCH a BIG DEAL about SPEAKING PROPERLY? All you have to do is RELAX. Why you insist on EMBARRASSING ME all the time by not doing this is a MYSTERY. "

COLIN implodes with RAGE and HUMILIATION.

Ext. CF's private chamber

COLIN listens to the recording, in which he DOES NOT STAMMER.

Ext. The office of non-repression

GR: "In order for you to get better, I'm going to need TOTAL TRUST. That includes you telling me highly personal stuff."

COLIN has APOPLEXY again.

HBC: "We'll just take the DIAPHRAGM EXERCISES."

GR: "Without ado, cue the MONTAGE MUSIC!"

Ext. A car en route to the palace

GUY PEARCE: "I'm only in the movie so the AUDIENCE will have someone to HATE. Because MICHAEL GAMBON's going to DIE SOON."

CF: "You're my OLDER BROTHER? Jeez, who cast you?"

GP: "Shut up, you…..STAMMERING IDIOT."

CF: "Can't you CARRY ON with EVE BEST in PRIVATE and do your DUTY as the NEXT in LINE to the THRONE for a change?"

GP: "No, I don't care about lame stuff like HONOR. I'm gonna LOOK FOR LOVE in ALL the WRONG PLACES, LISTEN to MY HEART, and PARTY HARDY."

CF: "In other words, leave NO CLICHÉ UNMINED that a STEROTYPICAL NAZI-LOVING PLAYBOY wouldn't."

GP: "Precisely."

MICHAEL GAMBON dies

GP: "WAAAH! My PAPA's DEAD!"

CLAIRE BOOTH: "That's quite enough. You know that OPEN DISPLAYS of EMOTION are ANATHEMA to us BRITISH."

CF: "Yeah, try to CONTROL YOURSELF a little."

GP: "Now I have to be KING. My LIFE is OVER! This is so NOT FAIR."

Office of non-repression

CF: "I know I'm EARLY, but hey, I'm your STAR PATIENT."

GR: "Rotten luck, about your DAD. Would you like to SING me a SONG? Sometimes it's easier to reveal your ISSUES that way."

CF: "You've got to be kidding me."

GR: "I'll let you put together my son's MODEL AIRPLANE."

CF: "Er…."

GR: "Oh go ahead. Let's dig up some TRAUMA."

CF, after several hours: "…..Also, I had a really MEAN NANNY!"

GR: "COLIN, listen. It's NOT YOUR FAULT."

CF: "Great. So I'm cured now, right?"

GF: "Not so fast. First, we need to have ANOTHER TIFF. Plus a couple of MONTAGES."

CF: "Happy to oblige!"

Ext. The castle of iniquity

HBC, on the ride over: "OMG, they're CHOPPING down all those LOVELY TREES."

CF: "That's a METAPHOR, too, you know. For the CONVENTIONS that my brother and his TWICE DIVORCED AMERICAN are flouting."

HBC: "Touché. Also, it helps establish that GUY and EVE are EVIL INCARNATE. In case the audience is slow."

Inside the castle

EVE BEST: "GUY, get your cute butt over here and pour me another drink."

GP: "Just let me get another bottle, dear."

CF: "Listen, GUY, hooking up PUBILCLY with a TWICE DIVORCED AMERICAN is going to make you HIGHLY UNPOPULAR. WORLD WAR II is around the corner, so maybe you should be CONCERNED about that."

GP: "Didn't we already have this conversation?"

CF: "Er…."

GP: "You want to usurp me, don't you? That's why you're SEEING GEOFFREY so you can get over your PUBLIC SPEAKING PHOBIA. Well, who made YOU K-K-K-KING of ANYTHING?"

COLIN implodes with RAGE and HUMILIATION.

Ext. Office of non-repression

CF: "…..and I couldn't say a word to defend myself."

GR: "Sounds like SIBLING RIVALRY."

CF: "What in the world are you talking about? We get along great. Well, except for the fact that he still TAUNTS me like we're both toddlers, but that's no big deal."

GR: "This has been going on - how long?"

CF: "Since we were both toddlers."

GR: "I see_._"

CF: "You don't think this has anything to do with my STAMMER, do you?"

GR: "COLIN, let me put it this way. You're definitely on the right track. Now let's go for a walk in the SYMBOLIC FOG."

CF: "OK."

GR: "BTW, YOU are the best PERSON for the ROLE of KING. Not your brother."

CF: "Screw you! I'm out of here - FOR GOOD."

GR: "I've heard that one before."

Ext. The palace

TIMOTHY SPALL: "Hitler's getting even more POWERFUL, and we need someone who can LEAD the NATION. As in - well, YOU."

CF: "What happened to your FACE?"

TS: "Your Majesty, your BROTHER is a NAZI-LOVING, PLAYBOY IDIOT, who's going to have to ABDICATE."

CF: "I know the REAL WINSTON CHURCHILL had MAJOR JOWLS, but it looks like…."

TS: "Which means that YOU are NEXT in LINE. Have you considered what you're going to CALL YOURSELF, YOUR MAJESTY?"

CF: "….you used a HORNETS' NEST for a PINATA…"

TS: "Oh, do shut up, YOUR MAJESTY."

Ext. The palace

GP: "I'm going to ABDICATE. KINGING's a BLOODY BORE. Good luck with the OSCARS, everyone."

CF: "I can't do this. I'm not….a KING."

HBC: "Honey, swallow your pride and call GEOFFREY."

The office of non-repression

CF with HBC: "Hi, GEOFFREY."

GR: "COLIN. It's been awhile."

CF: "Er…..I….I'm about to be CROWNED KING now, you know."

GR: "It's OK, I'll help. What are FRIENDS for? Oops, my WIFE'S home early."

CF: "Now, now, you MUSTN"T LET YOURSELF be GOVERNED by FEAR."

GR: "Touché."

HBC: "Good afternoon. As we're NOT THE STARS of THIS BROMANCE, but rather a couple of gutsy woman STANDING by OUR MEN, I'm going to insist you call me HER MAJESTY.'

JENNIFER EHRL: "Fine."

GR: "Honey, may I present….COLIN FIRTH."

JE: "We've already met, having CO-STARRED in PRIDE and PREJUDICE, which will THRILL the ANGLOPHILES in the AUDIENCE. Shall I set two more places?"

HBC: "We'd love to stay, but we have a previous engagement. As in COLIN'S CORONATION. "

JE: "Perhaps some other time."

Ext. Westminster Abbey or a reasonable facsimile

CF: "GEOFFREY, you don't have any CREDENTIALS. What the heck are you doing trying to cure me?"

GR: "Shouldn't you have raised this concern earlier in the movie? Like in between the MONTAGES?"

CF: "I vouched for you - how dare you deceive me?"

GR: "COLIN, I never pretended to be anything I wasn't. I developed my QUIRKY THERAPY METHODS by helping war veterans suffering from post traumatic stress. They needed someone to HELP THEM FIND THEIR VOICE, nudge, nudge, wink, wink."

CF: "I can't do this. I'm not KING MATERIAL. Hey, get the HELL out of that CHAIR! That's MY CHAIR, you COMMONER."

GR: "Make me!"

CF: "DAMN IT ALL - I HAVE A VOICE!"

GR: "Quite right. Now let's start rehearsing."

DEREK JACOBI: "YOUR MAJESTY, this is HIGHLY IMPROPER. This man doesn't even have any CREDENTIALS."

CF: "Isn't it a bit LATE in the MOVIE for you to pop in and stir up DRAMA?"

DJ: "Hey, I didn't write this script."

CF: "Touché. CLAUDIUS, I appreciate your CONCERN, but I'll HANDLE THIS MYSELF."

Ext. The palace

PLOT MOVER: "YOUR MAJESTY, you're going to have to make a SPEECH on the WIRELESS SOON, addressing the NATION, as we head into WORLD WAR II."

CF: "Someone get GEOFFREY pronto."

GR: "I made a few alterations in the SPEECH AREA to make you LESS SELF-CONSCIOUS. Just ignore the fact that the palace grounds are MOBBED and almost all the SECONDARY CHARACTERS are in the next room."

CF: "Thanks….I think."

GR: "Also, the SOUNDTRACK will feature a BEETHOVEN SYMPHONY."

CF: "You're sure that isn't OVERDOING IT?"

GR: "We can't leave any HEARTSTRING UNTUGGED."

CF: "Before I start, I just want to thank you. For being my friend."

GR: "Friendship's cool, COLIN, but you know what's even cooler? KNIGHTHOOD."

CF: "You have a one liner for every situation, don't you, GEOFFREY?"

COLIN successfully gives the SPEECH.

CAPITVATED AUDIENCE MEMBERS: "OMG, this is the best movie ever. It _has _to win an OSCAR."

CYNICAL AUDIENCE MEMBERS: "I don't think you have to worry."

END


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